The Truth about Germs

*After using a public restroom*
Me: So you going to wash your hands there, chief?
Trev: Ummm...I didn't really, you know, touch it.
Me: Neither did I.
Trev: Do you usually wash your hands?
Me: Only if there's somebody else in the bathroom with me.
Trev: Same.
Me: And when they don't you're usually like "Gross, that guy didn't wash his hands."
Trev: That's life.


Me: I think if you slicked your hair back, you could pull of being Phil Mickelson at a bar.
Matt: That's what I need...people coming up to me and asking me questions I can't answer.
Me: Like what?
Matt: Ultimately, nothing golf related. If I saw Phil Mickelson at a bar I'd ask him "What the hell are you doing while everybody else on the PGA TOUR is--I don't know--getting better?"
Me: hmmm
Matt: To which I'd have to reply, "Eating a bowl of apple jacks and watching cartoons"
Me: You think that'd get you laid?
Matt: For sure, with models probably, crazy hotel PGA TOUR sex.


Random Girl: That's a lot of beer.
Me: Yeah.
Random Girl: Didn't I see you running this afternoon?
Me: Probably.
Random Girl: And you drink that much beer?
Me: It's a cycle.
Random Girl: Wow.
Me: I don't do it at the same time.
Random Girl: what?
Me: Drinking and Running.
Random Girl: Oh I thought you meant drinking and driving.
Me: What?
Random Girl: Huh?