Ridiculous

Where have I been? Don't worry about it, what's with all the questions? No more, quit worrying about it. I'm back. And I'm going to try (again) to get at you more regularly. I don't understand why it is that I can never keep up with this thing. I have things I need to get down a lot...but I just don't, because I'm lazy, and a drunk, and I'm just not that good at keeping commitments--just ask my untrained bird that ended up in a dumpster in 2006--not good with the commitments.

Nonetheless, I've decided to add a new feature to this...although it won't really be "new" because that would me that I had "old" features...what the hell is wrong with me tonight? I'm talking out loud (also known as typing) to myself on a computer...

Here are some things I don't get:

1. Why all the attractive women I've seen this week have kids, are in high school, or both.
What is with this? I had a cute girl move in next door...she's with some guy that I'm quite sure can't even speak English, I'm not going to go derogatory with my remarks, I'm just going to say that maybe she should give people that can communicate quasi-effectively a chance before she jumps in the sack with Razor Ramon. Also, I was out at the mall with a buddy the other day...nothing but high schoolers...what's that? That's what people that are under 21 do? That if I wanted to find a woman my own age I should have gone to a bar? Hmmmm....noted.

2. Where are all these old people going? I was driving back from my hometown the other day and it seemed that everybody I passed was straight out of a Liberty medical commercial. Where the hell are these people going? Are their kids that lazy that they can't go visit their parents? I wish my parents were as ambitious and saved me the $560 I had to spend on gas (and hookers).

3. Math. Just don't get it. Don't know why we need it.

4. Why stains that look like semen don't come out of clothing. What is with this phenomenon? When I was a kid, I had no idea what seminal fluid looked like when caked on an article of clothing. No idea. And when I spilled toothpaste on myself (I like to brush my teeth while doing cartwheels...it helps fight against gum disease) I would wipe it away and that was that. I went on to play with the other kids on the swingset or whatever. But now? Now I spill toothpaste on myself and I don't see it until I've been in my office for 2 hours and have talked to about 40 people. When I try to get rid of it, it just keeps coming back. I can't help but hang my head in shame for the remainder of the day--constantly thinking that everybody is talking about how I've been beating off in the parking garage.

5. Breastfeeding stories. Are these supposed to be cute? Funny? Educational? Erotic? Because they're gross. Never refer to your buxom as a "smorgasboard", "teat", or "dinner", I will never be able to respect you.


That's all I have for right now. I know it's not much, and it's not interesting, but I had to get them off my chest---er smorgasbord, yeah that's right, I lactate.